Intensities in Ten Suburbs

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Archive for the ‘Standing Offer’ Category

Standing Offer: Don’t You Want More Swiffer Commercials

Posted by Andrew Unterberger on March 5, 2009



In the words of Survivor, let me tell you about the commercial I saw last night. Few things (only 69 of them in fact) made me happier last year than the Swiffer commercial series withe the mops hatching romantic and occasionally creepy schemes to get back into the good graces of their one-time owners (set, of course, to the stirring strains of Player’s “Baby Come Back”), who had recently moved on to Swiffer’s loving arms. They were great, no doubt–among the most absurd and gleeful of the whole year, and treats whenever they popped up in a regular commercial rotation. I could have stood to have another dozen of them along similar lines without every getting upset with them phoning it in.

But the Swiffer ad I saw recently just took things to a whole new level. It featured the same basic conceit of a mop trying to wen back the owner who had spurned it–although now the rejected product is a broom instead–but not content to merely pop out of vegetable racks in grocery stores and peer out from behind trees, Broom has taken to the airwaves. As poor unsuspecting Mary listens to her favorite 80s radio station, the DJ begins his voice break:

“Now a song for Mary…”

Mary smiles, delighted someone out there someone cares enough to dedicate a song to her.

…from a Mister…BROOM!”

Mary’s facial expression quickly drops to an unimpressed, “heard that one before” glance, as the Human League’s “Don’t You Want Me”–clearly the logical desperate progression from the now insufficient “Baby Come Back”–blares over the radio. Meanwhile, the back in the studio, the DJ (sporting a Flock of Seagulls haircut, of course) does a little breakdance move and points to his guest in the chair next to him–the very broom that Mary had recently discarded. Mary rolls her eyes and continues to go about her day’s business. The 80s DJ and Mr. Broom continue to get funky in the studio.

Now, why am I merely giving you the play-by-play of this wondrous little short, rather than merely posting it up top for all to bask in its glory? The answer is simple–I can find it nowhere on the internet. Admittedly, my tools are limited, but if it’s to be found on Google or YouTube, I’ve exhausted all my search options. In this day and age, for anything to be unavailable on the Internet–let alone a soon-to-be smash hit commercial–is quite unacceptable, and moreover, it’s rather unlikely. No doubt one among you out there in the ether could locate this commercial in a matter of seconds, whereas our brilliance here at IITS tends not to extend to the practical area of problem solving.

Thus, I am offering a $10 bounty for the first person who can provide me a satisfactory link to a clip of this video–or an upload of the clip itself, if you are so able and inclined. Not much, sure, but not bad for what could potentially be less than sixty seconds worth of effort all told (and if more, will at least keep your mind active on what is probably a slow work day). In these trying economic times, can you really afford to be cavalier about freebies such as this? Don’t delay too long, though–as soon as I see it inevitably pop up on YouTube, the offer will be closed.

Posted in Commercial Break, Standing Offer, Uncategorized | 13 Comments »

Standing Offer / Commercial Break: Snakes & PCs

Posted by Andrew Unterberger on October 14, 2008


Well, after my readers came through beautifully on that “Rip Things in Half” .gif a year ago, they disappointed me terribly with their inability to help me properly document the “Hey Brad…Not Brad” mania of last April. So this time, I am giving you all a choice of two recent paragons of commercial ROFLness, and will resume my standing offer of $15 for the submitting of either (and, say, $25 for the both). Based on past experience, if this is something you actually know how to do, it should take you like an hour, and with the current state of the world, can you really afford to turn down a job that pays $25 / hr right now? If I can’t coax a little assistance out of my readers on this one, I might have to relocate this blog to a Usenet newsgroup or something.

The first one is from that atrocious set of Holiday Inn commercials featuring Philip Baker Hall as a professor with an apparently very low ethical price tag, teaching his students about business by serving as a shill for Holiday Inn at every possible opportunity. The Cal Ripken one is the worst of the bunch, not the least because the tenuous baseball connection has guaranteed it exposure throughout the MLB playoffs. Mostly, though, it’s just lazy–all right, I suppose every girl grows up wanting to marry Cal Ripken, but who would want to be nicknamed “Bob,” exactly? But I’m utterly smitten with the “ssssSNAKE EYYYYYES?!?!?” guy, for some reason. His sneer, his eyebrows, his false sense of braggadocio…I must have them in .gif form, with “ssssSNAKE EYYYYYES?!?!?” flashing under it.

The second one is from the recent series of Microsoft commercials, the ones they’re hoping will bail out the company after the brilliant but commercially disastrous SeinGate ads. They’ll never come close to living up to that campaign again for me, but these are still somewhat clever, undeniably compelling and persuasive commercials, despite the fact that I couldn’t be less invested in the Mac / PC debate (and that I still can’t believe that isn’t actually John Hodgeman at the beginning of those commercials). The cast of characters presented in these ads is a wide and diverse one, but my favorite has to be the shimmying black kid, who is apparently taking a break from soccer practice or something to gloat “I’m a PC, I’m a PC” while gliding about the field. You’re not gonna find too many customers cooler than that on TV–or on the internet, if he was to show up in .gif form with his signature phrase appearing under him.

So come on, do us both a favor and help me out here. Don’t make this harder than it has to be.

Posted in Commercial Break, Standing Offer | 1 Comment »

IITS Standing Offer / Commercial Break: “Hey Brad…Not Brad” .gif

Posted by Andrew Unterberger on April 25, 2008

This is gonna be fun…

Some of my more attentive readers may remember the time I offered $20 to whoever was willing to make me a .gif of the “Rip Things in Half” guy from the Dunkin Donuts commercial. Well, nearly a year later, there is once again a figure in televisual advertising that demands such treatment. If those four words up there in the post’s title automatically strike fear into the very pit of your heart, you’ll understand what I mean, and if not…probably best to navigate away from this page immediately and forget that I ever mentioned anything about it, for your soul will be far more restful without having those four words forever stuck in it.

Anyway, point is, I’m putting up the cash once more, so if you have a few seconds and a semi-decent grasp of web technology on your hands, do me and yourself a favor and make a .gif of that damn woman as she says the titular phrase, with the words appearing (two at a time, of course) on the screen as she says them. And since last time the person who actually ended up making me thing found my offer of $20 insultingly high, good news: this time I’m only offering $15. So I say to you, loyal IITS readers–get on that shit.

(By the way, the only thing more annoying than these Verizon commercials where Networks follow annoying people while they brag about how much they’re going to talk on their phones (??) — the AT&T commercials where the embodiements of peoples’ cell phones explain to you why their owners won’t be answering the calls. How innovative! How edgy! How brilliant of them to bring the word “dillweed” back into the popular vernacular! Has there ever been a good cell phone commercial?)

Posted in Commercial Break, Standing Offer | 3 Comments »

IITS Standing Order / Commercial Break: “Rip Things in Half” .Gif

Posted by Andrew Unterberger on August 13, 2007

Do it…..DO IT!!!!

Undoubtedly, if you’ve watched a shred of post-10:30 P.M. television in the last five or six months, you’ve seen this commercial at least once. Indeed, I’ve seen it far more than just once, especially sicne eventually I got to the point where just seeing it once on TV wasn’t enough anymore, and I would end up going to YouTube and rewinding the clip over three or four times to properly get my fix. It’s not even a very good commercial–in fact, I had to re-watch it just now to remind myself exactly what product it was advertising, and the connection between the commercial’s gimmick and the product it’s selling is a real fucking stretch.

But that dude. Oh, that dude. You know the one, he’s the only part of the commercial really worth remembering. I can’t even imagine how many people they auditioned to find just the right guy to yell “RIP THINGS IN HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALF!!while holding a coolatta in one hand and pumping his fist with the other, but goddamn was it time well spent. I just wish I possessed the technical wherewithal to put a freeze frame of the “RIP THINGS IN HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALF!!!!!” guy in all his ridiculous, metal-up-your-ass glory up there on the top of the page, to give him the immortality he deserves.

But then again, if I did, there probably wouldn’t be any need for this post. For you see, friends and well-wishers, ever since I first saw this commercial, my soul has itched for an endless loop of the RTIH guy, one I can watch for hours upon wasted hours, without having to sit through the rest of that otherwise largely unremarkable commercial. And that’s why I am prepared to make IITS’s first-ever STANDING OFFER:


$25 For a RTIHG .gif


That’s right. For a job that I imagine would most likely take competent internet folk at most a mere hour to complete, you can make yourself a princely, tax-free sum of $25. But before you get too excited at this hot proposition, let me just define the terms:

  • The .gif must be an appropriate size–say, anywhere in the 200-400 pixel range in height and width.
  • It must only consist of the Rip Things in Half Guy, and of no other part of the commercial.
  • In addition to the visual of seeing the RTIHG lip-synching his catchphrase, I would also like the phrase’s four words to appear on the screen, one at a time, as he says them. The appearance of the words should not obstruct the view of the RTIHG.

That should about do it. You can take your payment, once the .gif is provided, over paypal, or I can send you a check, or wire you the money, or personally fly to your continent of choice and deliver it to you in person, I don’t much care. And as the term “standing offer” implies, this offer is good for as long as IITS exists–that is, unless someone else takes it up first, at which point the deal of course becomes entirely null and void.

The $25 amount is negotiable, naturally. Wouldn’t push your luck too much on that, though, IITS’s World Series payday is still a couple months off.

Posted in Commercial Break, Standing Offer | 11 Comments »