Intensities in Ten Suburbs

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I Sez: Reviewing John McClane’s Case for The Oval Office

Posted by Andrew Unterberger on October 26, 2008

Yippi-ki-yay, moderate voter

(Not my pic)

I was going over the finer points of the plot of the original Die Hard with my roommate and some of our friends the other day. I said something like “well, you know the part where John McClane goes and [….]” and my election-obsessed but not very well action-versed roommate nearly choked on his drink. “JOHN MCCAIN???” Well, no, not quite. But it did get me to consider the advantages that Mr. McClane might have over his near-homophonic election analogue. Not that I necessary endorse voting republican–and really, there’s little doubt of what McClane’s party affiliationwould be –but if The Big O can’t quite cut it for the public as Commander in Chief, who would you rather have as your alternative? Let’s examine the evidence:

  • Race Relations. We’ve all been informed by now of the republican party’s long-standing issue with empathy towards our darker-skinned brethren. McClane, on the other hand, has at least three black compatriots who would vouch for his racial sensitivity, including such esteemed members of the African American community as Samuel L. Jackson, the dad from Family Matters, and that annoying high-pitch voice guy from 2. Think he would’ve skimped on relief towards Katrina victims? Sez McClane, “This [presidency] doesn’t care about skin color. Even if you do.”
  • Wartime Experience. Yes, I’m sure that McCain had bamboo shoots under his fingernails and waterdrops on the forehead and all that, but in terms of sheer panic, how exactly does it compare with crawling through a glass-filled floor with no shoes on, or shooting yourself in the shoulder so that the bullet kills the guy standing behind you, or wearing an “I HATE NIGGERS” (or the less specific but equally inflammatory “I HATE EVERYBODY,” depending on what channel you’re flipping past) sign in the middle of Harlem? But not only has he persevered, he actually fought back against his oppressors, not merely contenting himself with providing his fellow captives with moral support. Sez McClane, “[This country] has got to be running out of bad guys by now.”
  • Economic Savvy. He’s not a businessman by nature, but he’s got a good sense of market analysis, combined with the common sense to know when something stinks. He’d know to look around the current economic crisis to see the real subterfuge going on underneath. “Trust me, I know the man, I know the family,” sez McClane. “The only thing better than blowing up [our country’s finance] is making people think you did.”
  • Negotiations and Open-Arena Debates. McCain may be wary of meeting with certain world leaders of ill repute to air out their respective grievances, but negotiating with some of our more controversial foreign dignitaries and squaring away with them head-on has never been something this maverick has ever shied away from. “Yeah, I got a deal for you,” sez McClane. “Crawl out from that rock you’re hiding under, and I’ll drive [the Executive Branch] up your ass.”
  • Engaging Youth. He’s far from a social radical, he doesn’t care for Pearl Jam or The Cure, and he believes that progress “peaked with frozen pizza.” But unlike McCain, whose attempts to interact with the kids of today have been uniformly cringe-worthy, McClane has a daughter who will soon be entering the workforce, and gives him a unique insight into the issues facing young adults in this day and age. He’s also shown a willingness, if a slight reluctance, to work in conjunction with his juniors when necessary to fight social ills like peer pressure and cyberterrorism. “If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem,” sez McClane. “Quit being a part of the fucking problem and [go out and vote next Tuesday]!”

True, he’s not a perfect candidate–his record on family values has been blemished since his divorce, and his past issues with authority have surely earned him more than a couple enemies in the senate. But in times as uncertain as these, we need nothing more than a man of action. And 20 years since he first entered the national scene, there’s still no one that screams action quite like John McClane. Vote early, vote often.

4 Responses to “I Sez: Reviewing John McClane’s Case for The Oval Office”

  1. Principal Martinez said

    I don’t see how he wins the election.

    You know someone has a picture of him with the “I Hate Niggers” sign on…that’s going to be fuel for some pretty serious attack adds.

    Also, remember the German guy on the boat who said “Nicht schiessen!” (Don’t shoot) that McClane shot him and callously made fun of the language barrier? You’ve got to think his family will come out with some sort of protest at the last minute.

    With that said, I’m all for McClane/Carver ’08.

  2. Anton said

    Bruce Willis is republican. van Dam too.

  3. Sam Skeen said

    I would totally vote for McClane over McCain…but I think Obama’s still my candidate of choice.

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