Intensities in Ten Suburbs

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It’s All About Me: The Unemployment / Playoff Beard (Pt. 1)

Posted by Andrew Unterberger on September 19, 2008

Intensities in Ten Suburbs, Now Hiring for Weddings and Bar Mitzvahs

My relationship with facial hair has always been tempestuous, at best. I don’t even think I really hit puberty full-on until I was in High School, and since then, my few attempts at anything resembling respectable scruff have been humiliating, humbling experiences–I always seem to end up in the uncomfortable space in between between a rugged, Kurt Warner-ish 5 O’Clock Shadow and an earthy, Casey Blake-style full-on affair. Still, every now and then, I get the urge to just see what happens when I let it go for a little while, holding out hope that maybe this time, if I just show a little more patience with it, it’ll finally grow into something socially tolerable. Unfortunately, even if it eventually did, I’d still have to suffer through days and days of looking like I was pathetically trying to grow a beard, despite my obvious inability to do so.

Luckily, in my current state of unemployed post-graddom, my obligatory social interactions are at an all-time low. Meanwhile, I’ve got a pennant race to monitor, and my disposable razor is on its last legs. So, with all this in mind, I present to you the Unemployment / Playoff beard. I haven’t shaved in a week, which by ordinary male standards is about two, maybe two-and-a-half days of facial slovenliness. This near-beard will continue until either:

  1. The Phillies are eliminated from the playoffs (or, God forbid, from playoff contention), or they win the World Series.
  2. I manage to actually get a job (or a job interview, depending).

Until then, I am hoping that either my beard finally comes to fruition, or that the social stigma of having these fuzzy patches of nothingness attached to my face will spur me on to step up my searching efforts for employment prospects (or, uh, my supportive efforts for the Phillies). Meanwhile, here’s the unpretty progress thusfar:

(Front View)


(Left Side)


(Right Side)

Note the bald spots in the middle of the side-beards. I bet you didn’t even know beards could have bald spots.

We’ll check back in on this in a week. Go Phils. And salaried compensation for an honest day’s work.

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7 Responses to “It’s All About Me: The Unemployment / Playoff Beard (Pt. 1)”

  1. you look like me after not shaving for maybe a day.

  2. Anton said

    icu ^_0

  3. phixed said

    two weeks? my nipples grow more hair in a day.

  4. Sam Skeen said

    Don’t listen to them dude; you’re well on your way to legit facial hair.

    I’ve always seemed to have that problem myself. I remember growing my “playoff beard” in high school the one year my JV hockey team actually made the playoffs. Let’s just say it’s a good thing we got eliminated in the second round.

  5. Chris Argento said

    Your facial hair looks the way I imagined Kaitlin Cooper’s horse with alopecia looked in the first season of the O.C. No offense.

  6. […] getting on about two and a half weeks now on the Unemployment / Playoff beard–sorry I didn’t update at the two week marker exactly, but my roommate decided to be an […]

  7. […] facial hairs of hope started to grace my heretofore unscuzzled visage. I look back at those initial glimmers of promise now and chuckle at how young I was, and how far I’ve come in the 42 days since. Not that […]

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