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Listeria: Top Ten Garbage Lines from Heist (2001)

Posted by Andrew Unterberger on June 28, 2008

“I tried to imagine a blogger smarter than myself. Then I tried to think, ‘what would he write?'”

I do love movies primarily consisting of the characters talking at each other. Heist is a heist movie where the heist itself is about as creative, interesting and thought-provoking as the movie’s title. I’ve seen it probably close to a half-dozen times (at least five times more than was necessary, of course) and I couldn’t tell you what happens in the slightest–there’s some gold, there’s some tension between youthful arrogance and the wisdom of experience, and there are even more double crosses than there are uses of the word “fuck.” No matter, in a David Mamet movie the plot isn’t nearly as important as the tough-guy gibberish the characters spew in each other’s directions, lines that don’t mean much of anything, and bear no resemblance to the way people actually talk, but sure sound pretty/hilarious. Here are ten exchanges real-life criminals probably wish they were witty and verbose enough to come up with on their own. Or maybe they don’t.

10. “Ain’t you a piece of work?”
“Yeah, I came all the way from China in a matchbox.”

9. “Where’s the gold?”
“You know, I’m reluctant to tell you.”
“When we put it to you…you know when we put it to you, you’re going to be telling us the gross national product of Bolivia! You’re going to be telling us the area codes of Luxembourg and Belgium!”

8. “No one lives forever.”
“Frank Sinatra gave it a shot.”

7. “The other thing, the Swiss thing, if I was a publisher, I’d publish the plans.”
“Why don’t you publish the plans?”
“Yeah, no, I said that’s what I’d do if I was a publisher. Unfortunately, I’m a thief, so I have to do that thing.”

6. “Don’t you wanna hear my last words?”
“I just did.” (Shoots in face)

5. “So, is he going to be cool?”
“My motherfucker’s so cool that when he goes to bed, sheep count him.”

4. “Makes the world go ’round.”
“What’s that?”
“Gold.”
“Some people say love.”
“Well, they’re right too. It is love. Love of gold!”

3. “You know why the chicken crossed the road? Because the road crossed the chicken!”

2. “Hey, I’m as quiet as an ant pissing on cotton.”
“I don’t want as quiet as an ant pissing on cotton. I want you as quiet as an ant not even thinking about pissing on cotton!”

1. “Everybody needs money! That’s why they call it MONEY!”

2 Responses to “Listeria: Top Ten Garbage Lines from Heist (2001)”

  1. […] frankly, it’s something of a miracle it didn’t end up like a Heist-like mess of people Talking At Each Other. But it’s true that every character in the movie ended up being more interesting, more […]

  2. Geert said

    What about “she can talk her way out of a sunburn”

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