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Listeria: The Top Ten Exchanges in The Last Boy Scout (1991)

Posted by Andrew Unterberger on January 14, 2008

“This is the 90s. You don’t just go around punching people. You have to say something cool first.”

OK, so maybe it wasn’t going to win too many Oscars (though to be fair, what makes this movie so much less viable than ’91 winner Silence of the Lambs isn’t as obvious as many probably think it is), but I don’t get why The Last Boy Scout doesn’t at least get more love from action movie fans. Bruce Willis at his perpetually hungover, perpetuallier badass best, legendary car-flipper and house-exploder Tony Scott behind the camera, and most of all, a million-dollar script (quite literally) from Shane Black, maybe the most underappreciated (well, except financially) screenwriter of the last 20 years. I’ve already done a Top Ten lines from his more recent Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, but watching the movie for the eleventy-twelvth time last night reminded me how much this movie deserves its own. Bearing that in mind:

10. “What the hell is that number in the back of your head? What is that…like a license plate in case someone tries to steal it?”
“No, uh, that’s my high school football number.”
“Yeah? When do you graduate?”

9. “Good morning, gentlemen. Is there a problem?”
“Yes, officer. As a matter of fact, there is a problem. Apparently there are too many bullets in this gun.” (Shoots officer)

8. “I’ve got bad news, and bad news.”
“Give me the bad news first.”

7. “See, Jake, here is a man that knows when a situation is untenable.”
“Good word.”
“You like that word? And you do have that envelope, don’t you?”
“Better give up, Jimmy, we’re dealing with a couple of geniuses here!”
[Jake punches Joe]
“Hey man, just leave him the fuck alone.”
[Jake kicks Jimmy]
“Leave him alone? Sure, Jimmy, whatever you say. Jake here takes his job with a certain exuberance.”
“Shit, we’re beaing beat up by the inventor of scrabble!”

6. “Wrong place, wrong time. Nothing personal.”
“That’s what you think. Last night I fucked your wife.”
“Oh you did, huh? How’d you know it was my wife?”
“She said her husband was a big pimp lookin’ motherfucker with a hat.”

5. “Can we get a formal introduction?”
“Who gives a fuck? You’re the bad guy, right?”
I AM the bad guy.”

4. (To Himself in the mirror)
“Nobody likes you. Everybody hates you. You’re gonna lose. Smile, you fuck.”

3. “Now what are you doing?”
“i’m drawing them a picture.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a bomb.”
“It doesn’t look like a bomb, it looks like an apple with lines coming out of it. What are they gonna say, “Don’t open the briefcase, it’s full of fresh fruit?”

[… Shows picture, gets shot at …]

“Oh, shit!”
“I forgot to tell you, “Bomb” means “Fuck You” in Polish.”
“Hey, that’s not funny, man. I nearly bought it there!”
“Tragic loss to the art world, let me tell ya.”

2. “Leather pans.”
“Yeah.”
“What’s something like that run?”
“Six-fifty.”
“Six hundred and fifty dollars??”
“Yeah.”
“They’re pants?”
“Yeah.”
“You wear them?”
YES.”
“They don’t, like, have a TV in them or nothin’?”
“Nope.”
“…I am very old.”

1. “You think you are so fuckin’ cool, don’t you? You think you are so fucking cool. But just once, I would like to hear you scream in pain.”
“Play some rap music.”

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2 Responses to “Listeria: The Top Ten Exchanges in The Last Boy Scout (1991)”

  1. Al1 said

    Boys still tease her about the headgear?

    Are you kidding? Brace Face, that’s the latest. Little bastards.

    She’ll be fucking them by the time she’s fourteen.

    Watch your Goddamn mouth, Joe.

    Well, Christ, you let her wear enough makeup. The kid looks like a goddamn raccoon. She comes in late at night, I think, ‘Christ, a burglar.’ I almost shot her twice.

  2. Duff said

    So you wrote this several years ago, but I was disappointed to not see this one:

    “Hey, you can’t be here, they kicked you off the team!”

    *pulls out rifle”

    “How would you like to get kicked off the fucking planet?”

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