Intensities in Ten Suburbs

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I Sez: Live Free or Die Hard Rating Criminal

Posted by Andrew Unterberger on May 19, 2007

Yippee-ki-yay, melon farmer

Against my better judgement, I was actually getting sort of excited for Live Free or Die Hard, the much-delayed fourth installment in the classic action franchise. Fourth movies in a series are usually a dicey proposition, to say the least, but hey, Rocky IV was my favorite of Stallone’s pics, and Die Hard is a much better series in general. Sure, it has Justin Long as the sidekick instead of Samuel L. Jackson or Reginald VelJohnson (whyyyyyyyy) but it also has Sheriff Timothy Olyphant as the villain and Heroes superbaddy Zachary Quinto as a fellow agent, and a pretty decent trailer to boot (CAR FLYING INTO HELICOPTER HOLY SHIT)

But now, all hope and excitement for the movie has been drained from me in one fell swoop. I’ve gone from standing in line on opening day to waiting for it to come out on video (or maybe even until it hits HBO). For alas, unlike the previous three Die Hard installments, Live Free carries with it a stigma that few, if any, classic tough guy movies can hope overcome: A PG-13 rating.

That’s right kids, a PG-13 rating. John McClane. Explosions. Global cyber-terrorism. Sneering Timothy Olyphant. WITH NOTHING MORE THAN PARENTAL GUIDANCE FOR KIDS UNDER 13 SUGGESTED. That means no (or at least, exceptionally little) “GERONIMO MOTHERFUCKER!,” no “NO FUCKING SHIT LADY, DO I SOUND LIKE I’M ORDERING A PIZZA?!?,” no “DON’T FUCK WITH ME OR I’LL SHOVE A LIGHTNING BOLT UP YOUR ASS!” and at the absolute most, only one “YIPPEE-KI-YAY, MOTHERFUCKER!”

What the fuck??? Has our world become so morally and artistically bankrupt that we now need to resort to the cesnorship of what is surely the Human Comedy of the modern action flick? What the hell comes next, a fourth Terminator with water guns and slingshots instead of automatics and bazookas? Glengarry Glen Ross 2 with the actors using their inside voices? 10 1/2 Weeks with lots of tasteful diamond-out cuts as the actors start to kiss? I can’t remember the last time I felt this violated as a filmgoer (well, since I actually sat through all three Lord of the Rings movies in the theaters, anyway).

Len Wiseman, your career may have somehow survived both Underworld movies, but this travesty you shall never eclipse.

3 Responses to “I Sez: Live Free or Die Hard Rating Criminal”

  1. Bobeatsrice said

    I agree. What the Fuck is happening to the world when I have to watch the king of all action flicks reduced to kid friendly bullshit. I mean the reason people love these movies is because of the great lines and dialoge like

    John McClane: Look, I fail you cover my ass. You fail I cover your ass!
    Zeus: And if we both fail?
    John McClane: Then we’re both fucked!

    and my favorite part of any movie ever

    John McClane: You know how to hot-wire this thing?
    Zeus: Of course I can, I’m an electrician. Only problem is…
    [Zeus starts the ignition with his pliers]
    Zeus: …it takes too fuckin’ long.

    Without the emphasis on the word fuckin’ there that whole scene would just be lame, the whole movie series itself would be lame.

  2. sean ray said

    dude, what the fuck? it still isnt rated, that’s just speculation. it can still be rated R, we’ll find out hopfully in oh… 5 or 6 minutes.

  3. […] So I had previously expressed my misgivings about seeing Live Free or Die Hard due to the film’s heretical PG-13 rating, but certain images shown in the preview–namely the one pictured above–made me realize that I still had little to no choice in the matter. I held off on opening night, but when I didn’t have any plans for the afternoon of 4th of July, I figured there’d be no better way to celebrate our country’s independence than watching John McClane save it once more from the forces of evil and oppression (and Timothy Olyphant’s sneer!) […]

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