What the World Needs Now: More Original TV Themes

Those were the days

Medias just don’t tie in with each other with each other the way they used to. When was the last time there was a movie that had an actual hit soundtrack? I’m not talking about Garden State-level, I mean a real blockbuster, millions sold, top ten hits, the whole deal. Has there been one so far this millenium? Artistically it might not be a huge loss, but culturally, I think it hurts us tremendously. I mean, can you picture the 90s without the Empire Records, Batman Forever and Waiting to Exhale soundtracks? Where would Kenny Loggins be now if not for Top Gun, Caddyshack and Footloose a decade earlier? It’s not like they’re not still making shitty teen comedies, superhero flicks and weepy chick dramas anymore–where did all the hits go?

Looks like they might’ve gone to TV instead. In the 80s and 90s, the idea of of including actual songs, even hits, for scoring purposes instead of just using incidental music, might not’ve been quite as accepted a practice at it is today (though from Miami Vice forward, it certainly wasn’t a revolutionary one). But now, seems like almost every show is using pre-existing music to set the scene. And that’s not always a bad thing–it means you get some inspired theme choices like Massive Attack’s “Teardrop” in House and Dandy Warhols’ “We Used to Be Friends” in Veronica Mars (though the way they butcher it in season three is tragic), as well as some brilliant uses of older hits in shows like The Sopranos and My Name is Earl. And in the rare case of Grey’s Anatomy, songs played during the show can actually become hits as a result of their use, as when the previously unknown to U.S. audiences Snow Patrol got a top five hit out of last year’s excellent “Chasing Cars” when it was used in the season two finale.

But all this is at the sacrifice of an underappreciated art form–that of the specifically commissioned TV theme song. Offhand, the only primetime shows I can think of that I watch regularly with original music for the themes are The Office and 30 Rock–neither of which, of course, have any lyrics. Several shows (Heroes, LOST, 24) don’t even have theme music at all, taking care of credit sequences during the actual show, so as to not waste any of the show’s potential 42-44 minutes of airtime.

Some people would argue that this is a good thing, and looking back on the super-cheese that was the great majority of TV themes of the 70s and 80s (and to only a slightly lesser extent, the 90s), it’s sort of hard to argue against that. Many of these themes seem insufferable today, and when you look at a number of them at once (as I unfortunately forced myself to do in preperation for a possible TV Themes category at a certain competition I went to a few months ago), you realize that not only were most of them crap, most of them were the same exact crap. It’s almost plug and play, with barely any bearing on the actual themes or content of the series whatsoever.

Still, I can’t help but feeling like this is a crucial subset of pop culture, one which might be totally lost on future generations. Where would be today without the themes to Happy Days, Laverne & Shirley or Welcome Back, Kotter? What instrumental music of the past thirty years could possibly be as adrenalized as Jan Hammer’s, as inspiring (and ringtone-ready!) as Mike Post’s, or as spooky as Ron Grainier’s? Is there anyone in the world who doesn’t know the words to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme? Sure, we might get an extra minute or two of TV here and there, and the shows can save a couple of bucks, but at what cost?What the hell else will Gary Portnoy have to do with his time?

Seriously, people. Think of the children. They need to learn about Joey Scarbury and Rhythm Heritage some day.